I’m menstruating. I decided to work on the novel this week. I’m aiming for 100 pages by the end of Sunday. I’ve written around 9. I didn’t feel good today, and it was hard to think. But I really tried not to take it out on my body. I told my body to do what it needed to do. To menstruate. To cleanse my body and renew herself. I told my body it was okay for us to be slow today. And it is okay. This is the way I was created. This is part of who I am. I am in that sacred space of life and death. A time of great mystery and worthy of great respect. Today I respected and honored my body. I did what I could and I rested. It was a good day.
Winter is traditionally the time of wisdom–the time of the wise ones. Spring is coming: the season of the youth and maiden is upon us. What has this winter taught me? What wisdom have I learned? What has the Spirit of Wisdom taught me?
The Spirit of Wisdom has taught me to be in a place I don’t want to be: the Nazarene denomination. She has taught me that I need to stand and prophecy–be a sybil–and not run. She has given me a wonderful church with good friends–new and old. The Spirit is faithfully with me through my resistance and foot dragging. I am learning to trust the Spirit, although I feel I cannot trust the leaders of my church.
The Spirit of wisdom is teaching me to accept love unconditionally. The Spirit has given me a precious husband who reaches for me in his sleep and draws me close. I am learning to trust him and tell him what I want without veiled threats and manipulations. I am learning that I don’t have be afraid of disappointing him or making him angry. He puts situations in their context. He is understanding and kind. He is the Love of my life, and I have no idea how I lived without him. I am so glad I waited and held out for my Lappidoth—my power that I am equal to. I am so glad I didn’t settle. He was worth every minute of the wait.
I have learned how to be kind to my body and not constantly beat her up. I have learned there is wisdom in every cell of my being, and I need to listen. I can trust my body: she knows what she needs, and she will tell me. I need to listen. I am learning being female is good. My body is good. God created me that way.
The Spirit of Wisdom has shown me the critics that I let run me into the ground: voices from the past that are no longer valid. Perhaps they were never valid. The constant stress I keep myself under trying to live up to impossible, imaginary expectations. These need to be ignored and put away. There is nothing wrong with the choices I have made. I need to let go of childish expectations and live my own life. It is my life to live.
I have learned a lot this Winter. Spirit of Wisdom, thank you for the things You have taught me. Thank you for the wisdom You have given me.
God of the spring and new beginnings, I look forward to the spring of fertility, renewal, and creativity. I look forward to what we will conceive and birth together. Teach me how to be light-hearted and filled with joy. Teach me new songs and new dances.
God, Creator of the young and old, thank you for Your grace and the wisdom You teach me. Thank you for the way You have created my body. Thank you for the life You have given me. Continue to teach me Your ways. Amen.