Shawna R. B. Atteberry

This was originally an article I wrote hoping to get published. In the last month or so, there have been many women who have left comments thanking me for sharing about my depression, so I have decided to post this article here.

“Depression and Spiritual Direction”

I sat in my car and took a breath. This would be the first time I met with my spiritual director. I was a little nervous. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew I needed to do this. I needed someone to help me find my way out of the depression that had darkened my life and back to intimacy with God. I hadn’t sinned or wandered off—nothing so dramatic. What I had been for the last five years was busy. First I attended seminary plus worked a full-time job. After seminary, the full-time job continued, and I added a part-time pastoral position. Somewhere in the midst of preparing for ministry and actual ministry, I had lost my own way with God. I was tired, burnt-out, and I needed help. I had also been diagnosed with clinical depression and was on anti-depressants. But I needed someone to help me sort through all of the negative images and feeling; I needed someone to help give me hope. I needed someone to talk to without one more person to tell me to hang in there and just “have faith.” I needed someone who could listen to me—listen to my story—then help me to connect my story back to God in my daily living. I found help with my depression from a source I had not known about until a retreat at a Benedictine monastery: a spiritual director.

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In the Noonday Day Prayer at Street Prophets, Sweet Georgia Peach started with a wonderful hymn I had never seen before by Marcus Aurelius Clemens Prudentius. Prudentias was born in Spain in 348 A. D. He came from a wealthy family, and he became lawyer. Later he rose to the rank of judge over several cities, and then he served in the court of Theodosius I. At the age of 57 he wrote:

Now, the, at last, close on the very end of life,
May yet my sinful soul put off her foolishness;
And if by deeds it cannot, yet, at least, by words give praise to God,
Join day to day by constant hymns,
Fail not each night in songs to celebrate the Lord,
Fight against heresies, maintain the Catholic faith.

He spent the rest of life writing poems and hymns to God. He has been called “”the prince of early Christian poets,” and “the Horace and Virgil of the Christians.” Many of his poems have been translated and made into hymns. This is one of them.

“Of the Father’s Love Begotten”

Of the Father’s love begotten,
ere the worlds began to be,
he is Alpha and Omega,
he the source, the ending he,
of the things that are, that have been,
and that future years shall see,
evermore and evermore!

At his word the worlds were framèd;
he commanded; it was done:
heaven and earth and depths of ocean
in their threefold order one;
all that grows beneath the shining
of the moon and burning sun,
evermore and evermore!

O that birth for ever blessèd,
when the Virgin, full of grace,
by the Holy Ghost conceiving,
bare the Savior of our race;
and the Babe, the world’s Redeemer,
first revealed his sacred face,
evermore and evermore!

Sally said: Here in the UK we are struggling with floods, other parts of the world have similar problems without the infrastructure to cope with it, still others are badly affected by drought…. My son Jon is in Melbourne Australia where apparently it has been snowing ( yes it is winter but still!)…. With crazy weather in mind I bring you this weeks Friday 5…

1. Have you experienced living through an extreme weather event- what was it and how did you cope?

Yes, the first year I moved to Kansas City, we had something like eight inches of rain fall in an hour, and there was flooding everywhere. I stayed in.

The first year I moved into my house in KC we had a big ice storm that knocked out power for about a week before the crews were able to get the electricity back up and going. I did my best to stay warm until friends of mine got their power back up, and I went to stay with them.

2. How important is it that we wake up to issues such as global warming?

I think it’s very important. This is where we have to live and our children and generations after us. It’s our responsibility to do everything we can to give them an earth that they can live on.

3. The Christian message needs to include stewardship of the earths resources agree/ disagree?

I absolutely agree. God made us stewards of God’s creation. We are obligated to do everything in our power to preserve the earth and make it a better place than we found it. Creation does not belong to us; we’re just renting. It’s time Christians remembered that and got serious about taking care of God’s creation.

And because it is summer- on a brighter note….

4. What is your favourite season and why?

Fall. I love the changing leaves and the wild changes in the weather. I especially love how the wind howls and has a wild edge to it like it’s saying anything is possible and anything can happen.

5. Describe your perfect vacation weather….

Mid to uppper 70s, nice breeze and some lazy clouds floating by the sun.

The picture is “Universe in God’s Hands” by Farid De La Ossa Arrieta.

After my 30-page week, I wrote 18 pages last week on my novel. Not as many, but I introduced a new character and had to develop her. I also had to remember something I read in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way:

Growth is an erratic movement: two steps forward, one step back. . . . You are capable of great things on Tuesday, but on Wednesday you may slide back. This is normal. Growth occurs in spurts. You will lie dormant sometimes. . . . Very often, a week of insights will be followed by a week of sluggishness.

At times like this Cameron says that we need to be kind to ourselves. She says one of the biggest mistakes artists of any stripe make is that we are too hard on ourselves. We are never going to get anywhere if all we are going to do is beat ourselves up. Our inner artist does not like that and hides. Well wouldn’t you, if someone beat up on you all the time? I am on week nine now and something she said really struck me:

Enthusisam (from the Greek “filled with God”) is an ongoing energy supply tapped nto the flow of life itself. Enthusiasm is grounded in play, not work. Far from being a brain-numbed soldier, our artist is actually our child within, our inner playmate. As with all play mates, it is joy, not duty, that makes for a lasting bond.

True our artist may rise at dawn to greet the typewriter or easel in the morning stillness but this event has more to do with a child’s love of secret adventure than with ironclad discipline. What other people may view as discipline is actually a play date that we make with our artist child: “I’ll meet you at 6:00 a.m. and we’ll goof around with a script, painting, sculpture . . .”

Our artist child can best be enticed to work by treating work as play. Paint is great gooey stuff. Sixty sharp pencils are fun. Many writers eschew a computer for the comforting, companionable clatter for a solid typewriter that trots along like a pony. In order to work well, many artists find that their work spaces are best dealt with a play spaces.

It hit me why this last year had been so hard for me: I was so hard on myself. I was treating my artist like a soldier. We have to do this! We have to do that! Good night, no wonder I had no creativity and had absolutely no idea what to write. It’s now totally changing as I look at my writing as something I can play with and have fun with. I can say to my inner artist: Hey you want to see what Kathryn is up to today? You want to see what kind of trouble she gets into? And my inner artist perks up. She’s interested in that, instead of me saying, “We have to do this and that”, and “This what it means to be a professional writer” like some self-destructive drill sergeant.

It is so foreign from what the world the tells us: we have to be tough on ourselves to get ahead and get what we want. We have to have our nose to the grindstone and go, go, go. There must be production; there must be results. But creativity does not work that way. Creativity needs to be nurtured and given space. The inner artist needs a play area not a 10 mile hike. I’ve noticed as I have started being nicer to myself (and my inner artist) that more ideas are coming. That writing is easier. That it’s okay if I’m not that productive one day because there’s tomorrow, and who knows what me and my inner artist will find to get into and play with tomorrow?

I wanted to let those who have left comments in the last week know that I have caught up, with not only making sure moderated comments are posted, but answering them as well. So if you’ve left a comment recently, it is showing up, and I have responded. I hope everyone has a great week!

I am brainstorming ideas for future posts, so if there is a subject you would like me to consider, feel free leave it the comments.

At God’s Politics Becky Garrison interviewed Rev. Dr. Mitri Raheb, a Palestinian pastor. He is the senior pastor at the Evangelical Lutheran Christian Church in Bethlehem.

The conflict in Gaza is a very difficult one. People now are convinced that we are dealing with so much politics, but there is no concern for the “polis,” for the city and community … and that there is too much religion in Palestine and yet too little spirituality. We have too many peace-talkers and only a few peacemakers. Our mission is therefore about caring for the community not through words but deeds. Our mission is to introduce a different kind of spirituality that gives people room to breath. Here at our center we show the potential for our people and country in a way that people can touch with their own hands. It’s all about giving a foretaste of the kingdom to come here and now and in the midst of a difficult context.

In Razzmatazz or Ragamuffins two non-Christians have been paid to visit churches in Toronto. Here are some of their thoughts:

The paid church visitors also made a stop at the Sanctuary, a downtown congregation with deep involvement in the community—particularly with the homeless and poor. The Sanctuary provides free meals and cloths as well as medical care to those in need. One visitor’s first impression was telling:

I could tell then and there we had found what this experiment was set out to accomplish, a church that saw past the money, power and the heighten sense of moral superiority that we have grown accustomed to. Charity, real charity. About time.

He continues…

I was floored, for close to a month now I have been told of all the wonderful things the Christian church provides without any physical evidence of its truth, but here it is, in the flesh. I have to smile, we have traveled to the city’s massive churches where thousands worship and yet we find what we are looking for in a turnout of 35 on Sunday.

This is the only Church where the majority of time, finances and energy is NOT spent on the Sunday service. At Sanctuary, it actually would have been unfair to only score them on their Sunday service, the smallest part of what they do.

At Theolog’s Blogging Toward Sunday, William Willimon wonders why the prayers we pray in church are so different from the way Jesus taught his followers to pray.

In most churches I visit, a time of prayer is often preceded by a time of “Joys and Concerns.” I notice that in every congregation, the only concerns expressed are concerns for people in the congregation who are going through various health crises. Prayer becomes what we used to refer to as “Sick Call” in the army. Where on earth did we get this idea of prayer? Not from Jesus. He healed a few people from time to time, but he doesn’t pray for that. He prays for the coming of God’s kingdom, for bread (but only on a daily basis, not for a surplus) and for forgiveness for our trespasses. It’s curious that physical deterioration has become the contemporary North American church’s main concern in prayer. Jesus is most notable for teaching that we are to pray—not for recent gall bladder surgery—but for our enemies!

I haven’t been blogging much because I have been working on my novel. I finally have a plot, and it is starting to move along. I wrote 30 pages last week. Woot! And I’m hoping to get in the same this week.

One of my best friends also came up Friday for a visit (she lives in Bloomington, IL), and we had a great day. Jen and I saw the 5th Harry Potter movie on Friday the 13th, which we thought was cool. We also wore all black. When we worked together a group of us always wore black on Friday the 13th and called it Black Friday. Jeremy was very jealous we got to be together on Black Friday, but he dressed in black too, so we were together in spirit. We also went to Navy Pier. They still have the stained glass exhibit up, so we walked through that. It was up when my parents were here, and I was hoping it was still showing because I knew Jen would love it. Then we headed to Canady’s Le Choclatier for some gelato (yes the chocolatier in my building). In fact, this is the best gelato you will ever have, so if you are in Chicago head to Canady’s which is on Wabash between 8th and 9th Streets. Then we came up to the condo and had tea before Jen left. It was a great day. Because Jen was up on Friday, and I took the day off, I worked Saturday on the novel to meet my goal.

This morning found me back to work on the novel. I didn’t make much headway today. I’ve introduce a new character, and I’m still learning who she is. So the writing has been slow until she decides to let me know who she is and what she’s thinking. That’s okay because I think she is going to be a very important part of the story, and I want her to be well developed and three dimensional.

Now I need to figure out what I want to make for dinner. My stomach has been upset most of the day, so I’m thinking something that’s not too spicy and with biscuits. Biscuits just sound good. And I am not talking about those plastic hockey pucks out of a tube. Those are not biscuits. Oh no, I am talking homemade, light flaky biscuits that melt in your mouth. Uh oh–I need flour, white flour. Although I do have wheat flour, but normally I do half white and half wheat, so they are not too heavy. Well the grocery store is only two blocks away; I might have to make a quick trip.  And that means I need to sign off and get going. I hope everyone has a great week.