Depression | Shawna R. B. Atteberry

An I'm Doing Really Good Update

Depression, Episcopal, Life, Marriage No Responses »

Sep 162009

Hey everyone! I wanted to let all of you know that I am doing much, much better. The change in my anti-depressant seems to be just what I needed, and I have perked up considerably. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, comments, and emails. I really appreciate it.

The Whose Church Is It Anyway? conference went very well. I had a great time and met a lot of wonderful people, including another former Nazarene! My workshop went fine, and I had a great group of patient people. Which is a good thing. I find out on my first workshop that leading a workshop is considerably different than teaching a class, preaching a sermon, or leading a discussion. I am going to need a lot more practice. But my group of people were great in letting me think and change course when we needed to, and they were a chatty bunch. Now I will be more prepared for the next time out and I know that I need to practice, practice, practice.

All of you know the saying “Behind every great (or successful) man is a good woman.” I beginning to think that the opposite is true as well. Not that I’m great or successful, but if I ever to make it to great or successful (whatever that is), it will be because of my wonderful husband, Tracy. While I’ve been striking out on my own in writing, and now speaking, he has been and is my biggest fan. He believes in me when I don’t (which is often), and keeps cheering me on to do what I want to do and believes that I can do it.

Julia Child said in My Life in France that without Paul Child there would be no Julia Child. That will be true for me as well. If I succeed at doing what I want to do: publish books and travel around speaking, it will because of my husband. Without Tracy Atteberry, there will be no Shawna R. B. Atteberry.

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A Lessed Depressed Update

Depression, Episcopal 1 Response »

Aug 272009

Hey all! The extra Lexapro is helping, and I am feeling much better. Sometimes brain chemistry just needs a little help. My husband has been absolutely incredible and deserves a post all to himself, which I don’t have time to write at the moment. I married well, and he’s incredibly encouraging and supportive.

I’ve spent most of this week working on the “Getting to Know the Women of the Bible” workshop for the Whose Church Is It Anyway? conference. The conference is put on by the Chicago Episcopal Diocese for all those who work in formation with children, teens, and adults. It looks like it’s going to be a great conference. My workshop is on Saturday 1:30–2:45 p.m. Please be praying for me. I’ll be heading out on the train to Mundelein tomorrow at 9:00 a.m., which means I will be heading to bed very soon. I’ll be getting in a couple of hours before the conference starts. This turns out to be a good thing as I still have the slide presentation to do. But the workshop itself and handouts are done.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support this last week. I needed them and felt them. You are wonderful friends, and I’m glad to know all of you.

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Depression Hurts: Only when it doesn't

Depression 5 Responses »

Aug 212009

We’ve all seen the commercials for that one anti-depressant (whose name I can’t remember): Depression hurts. And it does: there can be aches and pains to go with all the emotional pain. But depression doesn’t always hurt. Sometimes it becomes a big, numb void. This is where I’ve been the last three weeks. You get to the point where you just don’t care. And you don’t care that you don’t care. I’ve written about acedia before. Acedia is the absence of care. It’s better known as sloth, one of the seven deadly sins.

This is where I’ve been, and it’s been really bad the last couple of weeks. The thought of doing anything overwhelmed me. Even putting in a load of laundry. Or checking the mail. I have sat on the couch and web-surfed and mindlessly watched TV. I didn’t care if my house was a mess. I didn’t care if I wasn’t working although I am teaching a workshop next Saturday that I still need to get going on. I haven’t even showered everyday. Kathleen Norris recognizes that the ceasing of repetition is one acedia’s first symptoms:

One of the first symptoms of both acedia and depression is the inability to address the body’s basic daily needs. It is also a refusal of repetition. Showering, shampooing, brushing the teeth, taking a multivitamin, going for a daily walk, as unremarkable as they seem, are acts of self-respect.

Moving seems so hard let alone taking a walk. In a week I left home twice. I don’t care if I’m isolated or lonely. I don’t care that nothing is getting done or that I’m not praying or writing. It’s all too much.

Earlier this week I did decide to take charge and do one thing: call my psychiatrist. I saw him yesterday and we talked. Nothing triggered this bout of depression. Everything is going fine. It’s been a good summer. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way I’m feeling. My doctor said sometimes that happens. You have a dip in brain chemistry and need a little help. We decided to increase the dosage of an anti-depressant I’m on to see if that helps. I also have to push myself to get out and to exercise. Because depressed people just like to sit. I got out today. I got my haircut (love it!) and went grocery shopping. I’ve actually gotten out of the house two days in a row. Woot! As Bob used to say, “Baby steps.”

Baby steps. Because I have to start somewhere.

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Want a Side of Guilt with that?

Depression 5 Responses »

Aug 182009

I feel guilty all the time. About everything. This realization came to me last week when I started going through Jen Louden’s The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year. It’s what I want to let go of: feeling guilty all the time. About everything. Some of things I feel guilty about right now are (and these are just some of the things):

Career Women of the Bible book proposal still isn’t done.
My workshop for teaching the women of the Bible is nowhere where it needs to be. And I’ve been procrastinating all day.
My house is a wreck.
I didn’t make it to Trader Joes or the farmers market today.
The reason I didn’t make it shopping was I stayed up until after 2:00 a.m. Stayed up too late (or is that too early?)
Got up too late.
Wasted too much time on Facebook and Twitter.
I don’t keep up enough on Twitter.
I’m not evangelical anymore. Wonder what my evangelical friends think?
I’m not ordained anymore. Wonder what my college and seminary profs and friends think? Or the people I used to pastor.
I haven’t exercised.
I haven’t done yoga.
I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think (But I do).
I don’t write enough.
I’m abysmal at keeping up this blog.

And this is just a smattering at what I’m feeling guilty about at any given moment. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel guilty about something. I was even a guilt-ridden kid. So I’m wondering how do I go about not feeling guilty all the time, when it’s been a default as long as I can remember? Have you decided to let go of default thought patterns? Where did you start?

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Great Article on Depression

Depression 3 Responses »

Jul 232009

Lissa Rankin of Owning Pink has a very informative article up on depression: The Difference between Depression and Losing Your Mojo. She gives you the symptoms of depression, and where to begin if you think you have it. Go check it out. A friend I have known since junior high just lost her son. He committed suicide earlier this week; he was 17. Go educate yourself on the symptoms of depression and how to recognize them, not just in your life, but in the lives of your loved ones too.

Lissa thannk you for writing about these very hard subjects.

(Disclaimer: Lissa linked to my article Depression and Spiritual Direction in this article.)

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Lent: Journeying thru the Hollows and Empty Spaces

Depression, Reading 2 Responses »

Mar 312009

This has been a time of reflection for me. Normally by this time in Lent, I am just ready for Easter to get here and be done and over with it. But not this year. This year I am not minding staying in the self-examination of Lent. I’ve journeyed through this Lent with Jan Richardson’s Garden of Hollows: Entering the Mysteries of Lent and Easter. It’s been a journey of acknowledging my hollows, my empty spaces, and the wounds that need healing. A Year of Loss and New Beginnings came out of this reflection. I needed to write about what happened last year. I needed to tell my side of the story. It was necessary for that wound to heal.

I have lived with hollows of depression, fear, anxiety, weakness, and procrastination. And it’s been okay. I haven’t gotten lost in them. They aren’t big canyons that I can never crawl out of. They are hollows, but there is an ascending side as well as descending. I have experienced a great deal of peace this month. It’s okay to admit to my problems and weaknesses. It’s okay to live with them and just let them be. It has been a time of letting go. Letting go of the demons that drive me that shouldn’t.

Not that the demons have gone any where. But their voices are not as loud. I’m not procrastinating as much. Fear is not freezing me as often. I’m having more ideas, and I am writing more. I’m exploring. I’m going to be taking some risks. It feels good.

This last week of Lent will be spent quietly. I plan on continuing daily prayer and centering prayer, letting myself breath, and allowing my hollows just to be. I plan on writing and posting, cooking and laundry, community time and solitude. And I’ll see where me and my hollows are on Easter.

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Depression's Last Winter Fling

Depression, Prayer 4 Responses »

Mar 172009

The last week has been rough. The depression I suffer from has decided to rear its ugly head, and it’s trying to turn me into a lazy slug (not that it’s getting much resistance). To a large extent, it has succeeded. I don’t move much. I sit and read and stare off into space. I’ve fallen behind on writing, laundry, groceries. And I need to get out of the house more. I didn’t think the depression was that bad, until today.

Last week was a grey, cloudy, dark week. I couldn’t wait to see the sun. Today was a beautiful day in Chicago. It was sunny, the sky was blue, and the temperatures were up in the 60s, and yet I sat on my couch all day pretending to work (hey I have to network, you know?). I had been dying to see the sun, to go outside without various and sundry layers, and did I do it? No.

I also need to go grocery shopping. I love to cook, and I love having my larders full of stuff I can make several meals from on a whim. I could have enjoyed the walk in the beautiful weather going to the grocery store, but did I? No. It seemed like too much work.

And that’s when it hits me. Those voices in my head are telling me it’s too hard. It’s too hard to keep up. Why bother. Hello my old friend sloth. Or are you going by acedia this time around? The voices that say nothing will change why bother? You’ll only need to make it again. You’ll only need to buy it again. Lulling me into that sloth state of sitting on the couch surfing the net and twittering. But not accomplishing anything.

Now in this wonderful stillness, I see that I have to get up and move. I must continue to pray the Daily Office and practice centering prayer. Tomorrow the sheets on our bed have to be changed. Tomorrow I have to go grocery shopping. Tomorrow I have to move: walk and practice yoga. Above all tomorrow I have to work. Not pretend to work by mindless activity, but work: WRITE. The sloth has been caught in the early stages. And the sunny days give me hope that spring is on her way; this is the winter’s depression last grand stand. I must stand firm and do the things I need to do that make life important. Do the things that say my life and my being are important enough to take care of us and our surroundings.