My new med has kicked in, and I am feeling much better. The headaches have also passed. The relaxation techniques have also helped. Actually I perfected them while consciously relaxing my body during the headaches. I am now hoping to get back to regular writing and regular blogging. I cannot believe tomorrow is Halloween. Honestly, I don’t remember most of October between the hubby’s liver disease and the depression deciding now was a great time to go out of control. It’s nice to feel calm and in control. I don’t feel like anxiety, fear, and stress are driving me now. It will also be good to get back into a schedule. I’ve been feeling good since Saturday, so I’m fairly confident this is under control. I don’t have to wait and see what I feel like in the morning. I can once again start making plans. That’s a real good feeling.
Sphere: Related ContentI wanted to let those who have commented in the last few days know that I have caught up with comment moderation, and I have answered all comments. I have been having bad headaches the last few days, so I’m limited to how long I stay on the computer. I’m very happy to say that today was headache free, and that I had a good day. It’s the first good day I’ve had in a week. You just never know how you’re going to feel from one day to the next when depression is rearing its ugly head. I am taking care of myself and being nice to myself. I’m also very aware that I cannot do what I normally do, and I’ve cut back on some things. Thank you for all your comments, encouragements and prayers. I really do appreciate all of you.
Shawna
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I don’t take too much literally. My favorite genre of fiction is fantasy after all. But there is one verse in the Bible I do get very literal with as a way to cope with depression and the anxiety and worry that accompany it (or do the anxiety and worry come first then the depression–chicken and egg, I guess). The verse is: “Cast all your cares on God for God cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, my paraphrase). I like the wordplay of the two “cares” when translated this way.
This is one of the meditation techniques I use to control worry and anxiety. I sit with my eyes closed and picture a worry or anxiety then I throw it to God. Then I think (or say aloud) God cares for me. Then I go on to the next one and the one after that until I’ve tossed all my worries and fears to God. Now I do mean toss. I don’t picture myself hurling these things at God. It’s more like when my dad and I used play catch in the backyard. My dad was a slow pitch, softball pitcher for years, so throwing balls in the yard was a family pastime. Normally, it was a three way of Dad, my sister, and me. Sometimes Mom would join in (don’t feel sad for Mom: she’s the one who taught us how to swing a bat. She was a better batter than Dad was. Not to mention she was probably glad to get the three of us out of the house and her hair for awhile.) So we’d play catch, and I would throw the ball to Dad, and he’d toss it back to me. That’s how I picture this meditation, but I don’t get the ball back because I have whole supply I need to get rid of. In fact, when I picture my worry, fear, or anxiety, it’s always in the shape of a ball. I throw it to God who catches it, who then says, “Okay toss me another one.” I never see where the balls go. One minute they’re in God’s mitt, and the next they’re gone.
I did this a couple of days ago when the anxiety was getting overwhelming. I find the imagery of the action of literally throwing my cares to God to really help me let go of them and know God will take care of me and the things that are worrying me. That’s why I say or think “God cares for me” after each throw. What I’ve thrown to God is in good hands, and so am I.
Related Links:
Another Journey with Depression
Fogs of Depression
Depression and Spiritual Direction
The Last Couple of Weeks
RevGal Friday Five: Homage to the Top Chef
RevHRod is giving homage to one of her family’s favorite reality shows, so this week is all about food.
If you were a food, what would you be?
Anything made of chocolate.
What is one of the most memorable meals you ever had? And where?
When we ate at Tre Scalia in Rome. I had the most divine seafood risotto and topped it off with a death by chocolate gelato dessert called tortula. We were seated outside in the Piazza Navonna, and it was beatiful day with big fluffy white clouds in the sky. There were Bernini sculptures and people everywhere from vendors to tourists.
What is your favorite comfort food from childhood?
Macaroni and cheese. Still one of my favorites.
When going to a church potluck, what one recipe from your kitchen is sure to be a hit?
I don’t know. I usually never take the same thing twice. Though my desserts are always a hit.
What’s the strangest thing you ever willingly ate?
I guess squid, but that’s really not all the strange.
Bonus question: What’s your favorite drink to order when looking forward to a great meal? You can laugh all you want but I love a tall glass of ice cold lemonade. 
The first picture is of Piazza Navonna, and the second is the clouds floating past that day.
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The last six weeks or so have been very up and down. Of course there have been many things happening. Tracy’s infection, waiting to hear back from Beacon Hill on my book proposal, working on the novel and the Career Woman proposal, and the new ministry I want to start here. Tracy is in D. C. again for a check-up. He will be there a couple of days because they have decided to change one of the antibiotics he’s on. So I am alone again. But for the last six weeks, anxiety has ruled my life until depression steps in and then I collapse. About every other week I have a two to three day bout of having no energy. I mean none. I can hardly move or think. All I want to do is sleep. That’s all I have energy for.
Through meditation and journaling I am coming to realize how negative I am. Particularly toward myself. It’s no wonder I’m always anxious and worried with the negative tapes I let run through my head. I am tired of running in circles, so I made an appointment and saw my psychaitrist yesterday. We talked about the anxiety and depression. We also talked about stopping the negative thoughts when they start and not letting them trip around in my head and cause havoc. He also added another medication to my anti-depressant to help with the anxiety. We also talked about relaxing when I start feeling stressed. When I start feeling anxious, stopping what I’m doing, and practicing a relaxation technique to relax and redirect my mind to think about something else.
Like everything else in life, clinical depression is a journey. I am writing out affirmations to replace the negative thoughts. I have done a good job today of catching negative thinking and not letting it run amok. I think it’s only one day. But that is how I have to live: one day at a time. Today I did the things I needed to do get out of this cycle of anxiety-depression-collapsing. I prayed and meditated, practiced yoga, was nice to myself, worked, and ate well. And that is good.
My goal for most of this year has been to learn how to be nice to myself, to take care of myself, and to nurture myself. And to be okay with it–not feel selfish or that I’m wasting time. It is amazing how hard it is. It should not be this hard to simply take care of one’s self, to like one’s self, to love one’s self. The second command is to love your neighbor as yourself. Growing up I learned a lot about loving my neighbor, but no one taught me how to love and take care of myself. Now I am learning. Now I know how important it is to love me. But it so hard. Why is it so hard?
Although I fell pretty useless when I’m like this, I am trying to remember what I wrote just a couple of weeks ago. I say I’m in a fog when I’m depressed and not doing well. But when it is foggy outside, I love what it does to light. The light is not clear: it’s shimmery and ethereal. It looks otherworldly, and I wonder if those ghostly lights could lead to other worlds. I am enshrouded in fog, but my light is still shining. Does it shimmer in ethereal beauty like lights in fog? Can me and my light possible lead people to other worlds, other realities even in this fog?
Something inside of me says yes. I think that someone is the Holy Spirit letting me know God is with me. God is walking with me through all of this. God will give me the healing, strength, and grace I need to walk this path and still obey. It just may be different than I think it should be. I may not get as much done in a day as I want because I’m going to have to make time to take care of me: to pray and meditate, exercise, relax through the day, write and say affirmations to fight negativity. And there is nothing wrong with it. I cannot love people and pastor them if I do not love and take care of myself.
Related Links:
Fogs of Depression
Depression and Spiritual Direction
The Last Couple of Weeks
The Sunday I attended Willow Creek Chicago Church was the three-ring circus I was expecting and then some. There were good points. The music was good, and they had a string section in addition to the usual praise guitars, drums, and keyboards (I love strings). They also had a small choir plus praise team. There was both drama and dancing. The pastor is a good speaker, and the sermon had interactive aspects. But everything was very “I” and “me” oriented with a “what can God do for me” mentality. There was also the jump from salvation to heaven. We’re saved to go to heaven. There was nothing about building God’s kingdom and being Christ’s ambassadors here on earth. There was a huge emphasis in the sermon that we are made in the image of God, but there was nothing about imaging God to our world. We’re saved to have a private, personal walk with Jesus until we go to heaven. There were also no ties with the church-at-large or the historical church. There was no communion, which didn’t surprise me. There was nothing said at the end of the service about going out to be God’s image in our communities and doing kingdom work.
The Willow Creek service tended to be on the schizoid side. We sang. Then there was the welcome and greeting each other. The sermon was next. The first time I thought the sermon was over was when the drama started. But the sermon continued after that. Then there was a song, and the sermon continued after that and then finally finished. Then more songs. The service was set to get people emotional and elicit an emotional response (one of the final songs was “I Could Only Imagine”–again no hint of “Where Cross the Crowded Ways of Life” or a more up-to-date song of that vein–only heaven). It was also very personal and very private: Jesus saves me. Jesus loves me. There wasn’t any intentional corporate communal worship outside of shaking hands with a few people. EVERY song revolved around the words “I” and “me.” There was no “we.” There was no corporate sense that we are God’s people here to do God’s will and build God’s kingdom.
The Sunday I attended was their one year anniversary, so they had a slide show. 95% of their volunteers are for the Sunday morning service. Most of the church’s resources are spent on that one service. There is some community ministry, but considering the church runs 1,200-1,500, it doesn’t seem like a lot. They do have small groups and are starting neighborhood groups that would meet once a month. But again this is around 5% of the volunteers, which is what percentage of the church? And how many people actually attend the small groups? That number was not included in the slide show. Are they getting the substance and grounding they need in the groups? Because they are not getting it Sunday, or that Sunday anyway.
I definitely like William Law’s order of worship better. As I said in my previous post in this series, there are many modes of worship: singing, reading, listening, communal, and sacramental. At Willow Creek the major two modes of worship were singing and preaching with a nod to the communal through a short greeting and offering. Outside of the singing, the congregation sat passively through most of the service except for the few interactive parts of the sermon. And it was a long service due to the anniversary stuff: 1 hour and 45 minutes.
I would like most of my church’s resources to be going out and most of “church” to take place outside the walls of the church. I want most of my volunteers to be out and about making a difference in the world. This is not going to be too big of a problem, since the church I’m planting will start in my living room (I’m planning on starting January 6). And I’m wondering if that’s a good way to start? No upkeep or maintenance expense; we can focus on what we can do in this neighborhood, in this community. How can we be the body of Christ in the South Loop incarnationally while we don’t have a building or formal place to meet? I like those questions. I think I’m going to be doing church very differently from the traditional model. And I’m okay with that, or I’m getting okay with it. If nothing else going to different churches and services helps me solidify my philosophy of ministry and worship. And I think that is a good thing.
Related posts:
W Is for Worship
A Via Media for Worship
They say you haven’t made it in the blogosphere until someone slices and dices you. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have been sliced and diced! And by another Nazarene no less. A Nazarene who does not believe that his denomination’s 103 year history of ordaining women is right. He took apart Does It Really Mean Helpmate? here.
I wish I could tell you that you would read a worthy critique of my work. But I can’t. There is a lot of proof-texting and a bunch of fuzzy logic. I chuckled my way through it. I equally chuckled my way through his analysis of Dr. Joseph Coleson’s Ezer Cenegdo: A Power Like Him Facing Him as Equal here, which is quite entertaining as well.
I wish it was a worthy slice and dice, but I was sliced and diced with Dr.Coleson who was my OT prof at seminary, and he has a doctorate in biblical semetic languages. I just have a little ole Master of Arts degree in Biblical Studeis. But I have been sliced and diced! Woot!
Related Series: Career Women of the Bible
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