Shawna R. B. Atteberry

I have a new article up on Divine Caroline: Living with Clinical Depression.

Please let me know what you think. Do you have clinical depression? How do you live with it?

Sally writes:

Candlemass is past, and Christmas is well and truly over, here in the UK February looks set to be its usual grey and cold self. Signs of spring are yet to emerge; if like me you long for them perhaps you need ways to get through these long dark days. So lets share a few tips for a cold and rainy/ snowy day….

1. Exercise, what do you do if you can’t face getting out into the cold and damp?

This is why I joined a gym, so I would get some regular exercise. The gym is in the building behind ours, so I only have to walk across the alley, and I’m there. I love swimming. Swimming has always comforted me and made me happy, so I’m very glad to have year round access to a pool now. Restorative yoga also helps.

2. Food; time to comfort eat, or time to prepare your body for the coming spring/summer?

My comfort food is macaroni and cheese and polenta, especially grilled polenta. Along with home baked bread and dairy products.

3. Brainpower; do you like me need to stave off depression, if so how do you do it?

My lightbox has been a Godde send. It has really helped me get through these dark gloomy days. Praying the Daily Office also helps me a lot.

4. How about a story that lifts your spirits, is there a book or film that you return to to stave off the gloom?

For movies anything by Hayao Miyazaki and Disney/Pixar along with Under the Tuscan Sun. For books anything by Neil Gaiman, Robin McKinley, and Little Women.

5. Looking forward, do you have a favourite spring flower/ is there something that says spring is here more than anything else?

Tulips, daffodils, and lilac.

Bonus; post a poem/ piece of music that points to the coming spring……

Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons, The Spring.

Hey everyone! I wanted to let all of you know that I am doing much, much better. The change in my anti-depressant seems to be just what I needed, and I have perked up considerably. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, comments, and emails. I really appreciate it.

The Whose Church Is It Anyway? conference went very well. I had a great time and met a lot of wonderful people, including another former Nazarene! My workshop went fine, and I had a great group of patient people. Which is a good thing. I find out on my first workshop that leading a workshop is considerably different than teaching a class, preaching a sermon, or leading a discussion. I am going to need a lot more practice. But my group of people were great in letting me think and change course when we needed to, and they were a chatty bunch. Now I will be more prepared for the next time out and I know that I need to practice, practice, practice.

All of you know the saying “Behind every great (or successful) man is a good woman.” I beginning to think that the opposite is true as well. Not that I’m great or successful, but if I ever to make it to great or successful (whatever that is), it will be because of my wonderful husband, Tracy. While I’ve been striking out on my own in writing, and now speaking, he has been and is my biggest fan. He believes in me when I don’t (which is often), and keeps cheering  me on to do what I want to do and believes that I can do it.

Julia Child said in My Life in France that without Paul Child there would be no Julia Child. That will be true for me as well. If I succeed at doing what I want to do: publish books and travel around speaking, it will because of my husband. Without Tracy Atteberry, there will be no Shawna R. B. Atteberry.

Hey all! The extra Lexapro is helping, and I am feeling much better. Sometimes brain chemistry just needs a little help. My husband has been absolutely incredible and deserves a post all to himself, which I don’t have time to write at the moment. I married well, and he’s incredibly encouraging and supportive.

I’ve spent most of this week working on the “Getting to Know the Women of the Bible” workshop for the Whose Church Is It Anyway? conference. The conference is put on by the Chicago Episcopal Diocese for all those who work in formation with children, teens, and adults. It looks like it’s going to be a great conference. My workshop is on Saturday 1:30–2:45 p.m. Please be praying for me. I’ll be heading out on the train to Mundelein tomorrow at 9:00 a.m., which means I will be heading to bed very soon. I’ll be getting in a couple of hours before the conference starts. This turns out to be a good thing as I still have the slide presentation to do. But the workshop itself and handouts are done.

Thank you for all of your prayers and support this last week. I needed them and felt them. You are wonderful friends, and I’m glad to know all of you.

We’ve all seen the commercials for that one anti-depressant (whose name I can’t remember): Depression hurts. And it does: there can be aches and pains to go with all the emotional pain. But depression doesn’t always hurt. Sometimes it becomes a big, numb void. This is where I’ve been the last three weeks. You get to the point where you just don’t care. And you don’t care that you don’t care. I’ve written about acedia before. Acedia is the absence of care. It’s better known as sloth, one of the seven deadly sins.

This is where I’ve been, and it’s been really bad the last couple of weeks. The thought of doing anything overwhelmed me. Even putting in a load of laundry. Or checking the mail. I have sat on the couch and web-surfed and mindlessly watched TV. I didn’t care if my house was a mess. I didn’t care if I wasn’t working although I am teaching a workshop next Saturday that I still need to get going on. I haven’t even showered everyday. Kathleen Norris recognizes that the ceasing of repetition is one acedia’s first symptoms:

One of the first symptoms of both acedia and depression is the inability to address the body’s basic daily needs. It is also a refusal of repetition. Showering, shampooing, brushing the teeth, taking a multivitamin, going for a daily walk, as unremarkable as they seem, are acts of self-respect.

Moving seems so hard let alone taking a walk. In a week I left home twice. I don’t care if I’m isolated or lonely. I don’t care that nothing is getting done or that I’m not praying or writing. It’s all too much.

Earlier this week I did decide to take charge and do one thing: call my psychiatrist. I saw him yesterday and we talked. Nothing triggered this bout of depression. Everything is going fine. It’s been a good summer. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way I’m feeling. My doctor said sometimes that happens. You have a dip in brain chemistry and need a little help. We decided to increase the dosage of an anti-depressant I’m on to see if that helps. I also have to push myself to get out and to exercise. Because depressed people just like to sit. I got out today. I got my haircut (love it!) and went grocery shopping. I’ve actually gotten out of the house two days in a row. Woot! As Bob used to say, “Baby steps.”

Baby steps. Because I have to start somewhere.

I feel guilty all the time. About everything. This realization came to me last week when I started going through Jen Louden’s The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year. It’s what I want to let go of: feeling guilty all the time. About everything. Some of things I feel guilty about right now are (and these are just some of the things):

• Career Women of the Bible book proposal still isn’t done.
• My workshop for teaching the women of the Bible is nowhere where it needs to be. And I’ve been procrastinating all day.
• My house is a wreck.
• I didn’t make it to Trader Joes or the farmers market today.
• The reason I didn’t make it shopping was I stayed up until after 2:00 a.m. Stayed up too late (or is that too early?)
• Got up too late.
• Wasted too much time on Facebook and Twitter.
• I don’t keep up enough on Twitter.
• I’m not evangelical anymore. Wonder what my evangelical friends think?
• I’m not ordained anymore. Wonder what my college and seminary profs and friends think? Or the people I used to pastor.
• I haven’t exercised.
• I haven’t done yoga.
• I shouldn’t worry so much about what other people think (But I do).
• I don’t write enough.
• I’m abysmal at keeping up this blog.

And this is just a smattering at what I’m feeling guilty about at any given moment. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel guilty about something. I was even a guilt-ridden kid. So I’m wondering how do I go about not feeling guilty all the time, when it’s been a default as long as I can remember? Have you decided to let go of default thought patterns? Where did you start?

Lissa Rankin of Owning Pink has a very informative article up on depression: The Difference between Depression and Losing Your Mojo. She gives you the symptoms of depression, and where to begin if you think you have it. Go check it out. A friend I have known since junior high just lost her son. He committed suicide earlier this week; he was 17. Go educate yourself on the symptoms of depression and how to recognize them, not just in your life, but in the lives of your loved ones too.

Lissa thannk you for writing about these very hard subjects.

(Disclaimer: Lissa linked to my article Depression and Spiritual Direction in this article.)