Shawna R. B. Atteberry

Over the last couple of months I have realized how negative my self-talk is. If someone else said the things to me I was saying to me, I would have decked him or her. Or at least walked away. But for months I let my personal demons and critics beat me up over and over again. No wonder I never felt good and always thought I was skic. I was running myself into the ground and wearing myself out.

All I did was tell myself I couldn’t do whatever it was I waas working on. The book proposal was never going to be finished, let alone a book written and published. My sermons sucked: all of them. Who did I think I was to plant a church? Regularly posting to my blog and drawing attention to it? A pipe dream. It was no wonder I was depressed, had no energy, and thought I might have chronic fatigue syndrom.

I am slowly changing how I talk to myself. For the last couple of months, I’ve started to pay attention to what bounces aroun in my head. It wasn’t good. I am slowly stopping the negative thoughts in their tracks and replacing all of that negative chatter with postive affirmations:

• I am a good writer.
• I’ve already written a book: my graduate thesis. (For those who don’t know the book proposal I am working on is rewriting my thesis for the general public. That is how Career Women of the Bible was born.)
• I can write another book. And another book. And another….
• I am a good pastor.
• I am a good preacher.
• If my sermons sucked, my PK Hubby would have said something.

When I’m working on Career Women of the Bible and I think, “This will never happen, I cut off the critic. Then I say (if I’m alone out loud): “I am a good writer, and I am going to finish this book proposal.” I’ve also set up a little group to be accountable to daily, so I do write instead of psyching myself out.

Self-talk is very important. How we talk to ourselves makes all the difference. If we don’t believe we’ll succed, then we don’t try very hard, if at all. At one point, I’m not sure I could have seen that due to the depression. But now that is under control with antidepressants, I am able to stop, look at what I’m saying to myself, and say, “No. That’s not right. That is not who I am. This is who I am.”

What have you been saying to yourself? Is it good? Positive? Or are you running yourself into the ground? How do you deal with negative self talk? What do you say to build yourself up and live into your potential?

Click here for more posts on depression.

Living in Chicago in January with Seasonal Affective Disorder is not such a good thing. Most of last week was gray, gloomy, and cold. I can take all the vitamin D and fish oil I want along with staying active. But nothing does a S. A. D.er better than a sunny day in the upper 30s. I went for a walk through Grant Park down to the lake yesterday and soaked up all the sunshine I could. Here are some pictures.

Now back to gray and gloomy, although it’s in the 50s today, so not cold, but very, very windy. Tomorrow afternoon we’re supposed to have blizzard-like conditions. I will be working from home tomorrow, so I will only be watching the blizzard-like conditions (unlike Tracy who will probably be coming  home in those conditions). I like watching the snow (and rain) go up because of the updraft between buildings here. Then we’re back in the freezer. I am very glad that I got out yesterday and enjoyed the sunshine while I could. Now back to vitiamin D, fish oil, and activity, which is much easier said than done when you’re tired all the time from the aforementioned S. A. D. But spring is on its way.

I don’t take too much literally. My favorite genre of fiction is fantasy after all. But there is one verse in the Bible I do get very literal with as a way to cope with depression and the anxiety and worry that accompany it (or do the anxiety and worry come first then the depression–chicken and egg, I guess). The verse is: “Cast all your cares on God for God cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, my paraphrase). I like the wordplay of the two “cares” when translated this way.

This is one of the meditation techniques I use to control worry and anxiety. I sit with my eyes closed and picture a worry or anxiety then I throw it to God. Then I think (or say aloud) God cares for me. Then I go on to the next one and the one after that until I’ve tossed all my worries and fears to God. Now I do mean toss. I don’t picture myself hurling these things at God. It’s more like when my dad and I used play catch in the backyard. My dad was a slow pitch, softball pitcher for years, so throwing balls in the yard was a family pastime. Normally, it was a three way of Dad, my sister, and me. Sometimes Mom would join in (don’t feel sad for Mom: she’s the one who taught us how to swing a bat. She was a better batter than Dad was. Not to mention she was probably glad to get the three of us out of the house and her hair for awhile.) So we’d play catch, and I would throw the ball to Dad, and he’d toss it back to me. That’s how I picture this meditation, but I don’t get the ball back because I have whole supply I need to get rid of. In fact, when I picture my worry, fear, or anxiety, it’s always in the shape of a ball. I throw it to God who catches it, who then says, “Okay toss me another one.” I never see where the balls go. One minute they’re in God’s mitt, and the next they’re gone.

I did this a couple of days ago when the anxiety was getting overwhelming. I find the imagery of the action of literally throwing my cares to God to really help me let go of them and know God will take care of me and the things that are worrying me. That’s why I say or think “God cares for me” after each throw. What I’ve thrown to God is in good hands, and so am I.

Related Links:
Another Journey with Depression
Fogs of Depression
Depression and Spiritual Direction
The Last Couple of Weeks

The last six weeks or so have been very up and down. Of course there have been many things happening. Tracy’s infection, waiting to hear back from Beacon Hill on my book proposal, working on the novel and the Career Woman proposal, and the new ministry I want to start here. Tracy is in D. C. again for a check-up. He will be there a couple of days because they have decided to change one of the antibiotics he’s on. So I am alone again. But for the last six weeks, anxiety has ruled my life until depression steps in and then I collapse. About every other week I have a two to three day bout of having no energy. I mean none. I can hardly move or think. All I want to do is sleep. That’s all I have energy for.

Through meditation and journaling I am coming to realize how negative I am. Particularly toward myself. It’s no wonder I’m always anxious and worried with the negative tapes I let run through my head. I am tired of running in circles, so I made an appointment and saw my psychaitrist yesterday. We talked about the anxiety and depression. We also talked about stopping the negative thoughts when they start and not letting them trip around in my head and cause havoc. He also added another medication to my anti-depressant to help with the anxiety. We also talked about relaxing when I start feeling stressed. When I start feeling anxious, stopping what I’m doing, and practicing a relaxation technique to relax and redirect my mind to think about something else.

Like everything else in life, clinical depression is a journey. I am writing out affirmations to replace the negative thoughts. I have done a good job today of catching negative thinking and not letting it run amok. I think it’s only one day. But that is how I have to live: one day at a time. Today I did the things I needed to do get out of this cycle of anxiety-depression-collapsing. I prayed and meditated, practiced yoga, was nice to myself, worked, and ate well. And that is good.

My goal for most of this year has been to learn how to be nice to myself, to take care of myself, and to nurture myself. And to be okay with it–not feel selfish or that I’m wasting time. It is amazing how hard it is. It should not be this hard to simply take care of one’s self, to like one’s self, to love one’s self. The second command is to love your neighbor as yourself. Growing up I learned a lot about loving my neighbor, but no one taught me how to love and take care of myself. Now I am learning. Now I know how important it is to love me. But it so hard. Why is it so hard?

Although I fell pretty useless when I’m like this, I am trying to remember what I wrote just a couple of weeks ago. I say I’m in a fog when I’m depressed and not doing well. But when it is foggy outside, I love what it does to light. The light is not clear: it’s shimmery and ethereal. It looks otherworldly, and I wonder if those ghostly lights could lead to other worlds. I am enshrouded in fog, but my light is still shining. Does it shimmer in ethereal beauty like lights in fog? Can me and my light possible lead people to other worlds, other realities even in this fog?

Something inside of me says yes. I think that someone is the Holy Spirit letting me know God is with me. God is walking with me through all of this. God will give me the healing, strength, and grace I need to walk this path and still obey. It just may be different than I think it should be. I may not get as much done in a day as I want because I’m going to have to make time to take care of me: to pray and meditate, exercise, relax through the day, write and say affirmations to fight negativity. And there is nothing wrong with it. I cannot love people and pastor them if I do not love and take care of myself.

Related Links:
Fogs of Depression
Depression and Spiritual Direction
The Last Couple of Weeks

Fog rolled in last night. I loved the ethereal glow of the lights down on the streets. I took pictures. At one point I was hanging out the window to get a photo up Wabash. It was probably a good thing it was around 2:30 a.m., so no one was looking at the crazy woman hanging out of her window on the thirteenth story, taking pictures.

While I was meditating this morning, I had an insight. Light still shines in the fog. It’s dispersed and fuzzy, but it still shines. When I’m in a fog–when I’m depressed–my light still shines too. It may be dispersed and fuzzy, but it’s still shining. It may even appear ethereal and otherworldly as light does in the fog. In many myths fog separates this world from Faery or the Otherworld. May be I’m closer to other worlds and God in my fogs? May be my light will show other these paths, these worlds? It’s an interesting thing to think about.

I always say I’m in a fog when I’m depressed. Yes, fog makes it hard to see and hear. But light in the fog is so beautiful. Moonlight, street lights, or lights from signs–it doesn’t matter. They all take on this beautiful, otherworldly glow in the fog. The fog softens things, blurs borders and boundaries, and makes you see everyday things differently. It opens new possibilities of gateways to other worlds. It can be a pain to navigate in, but where will you wind up if you follow the lights through the fog? I don’t know. But it gives me a different way of looking at my fogs of depression. What if I pay attention to the fuzzy and ethereal lights I do see? What if I follow them? Where will I wind up? What if someone follows my fuzzy light? Where will we end up?

This was originally an article I wrote hoping to get published. In the last month or so, there have been many women who have left comments thanking me for sharing about my depression, so I have decided to post this article here.

“Depression and Spiritual Direction”

I sat in my car and took a breath. This would be the first time I met with my spiritual director. I was a little nervous. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew I needed to do this. I needed someone to help me find my way out of the depression that had darkened my life and back to intimacy with God. I hadn’t sinned or wandered off—nothing so dramatic. What I had been for the last five years was busy. First I attended seminary plus worked a full-time job. After seminary, the full-time job continued, and I added a part-time pastoral position. Somewhere in the midst of preparing for ministry and actual ministry, I had lost my own way with God. I was tired, burnt-out, and I needed help. I had also been diagnosed with clinical depression and was on anti-depressants. But I needed someone to help me sort through all of the negative images and feeling; I needed someone to help give me hope. I needed someone to talk to without one more person to tell me to hang in there and just “have faith.” I needed someone who could listen to me—listen to my story—then help me to connect my story back to God in my daily living. I found help with my depression from a source I had not known about until a retreat at a Benedictine monastery: a spiritual director.

(more…)

I’m sure you’ve noticed the silence of my blog. I have depression, and a couple of weeks ago it swung into action. I think the trigger was preparing the presentation for the University of Phoenix and the assessment and interview (and how I worried the whole thing to death). The last two weeks have been filled with insomnia, headaches, dizziness, fatigue, worry, and anxiety. I found a great psychatrist here, and in addition to Paxil, which I already take, I am now on a small dose of Clonazepam as well. I’ve been on the Clonazepam for a few days, and I already feel better. I am sleeping (thank goodness), and my anxiety levels are way down. I am no longer worrying about every little thing. Honestly this last week it was hard for me to do just day-to-day things like getting out of bed and eating, much less writing.

It has also helped that the weather is springlike, and I can get outside and walk down to the lake (I’m enjoying it while it lasts: it’s supposed to snow this weekend). It’s absolutely beautiful. I took pictures, but I can’t find the cord to download them onto the computer. I am feeling back to normal with regular times of prayer, meditation, and exercise. I am also amping up the journaling so I can keep track of my moods and patterns. One thing depression teaches you is that you have to take care of yourself.

Writing a series on my experiences in depression is on the list of the subjects I want to write on, so you will probably start seeing posts on depression, how I’ve managed it, and what I’ve learned from it.